


love in such dark times

by ignoranthipster



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Divergent, M/M, Masturbation, Minor Violence, Sort of????, a lot of unanswered questions by the end of the fic mm i'm sorry, after the stohess battle with annie thing, angsty boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:19:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1444903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ignoranthipster/pseuds/ignoranthipster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wall Sina breaks down a few days after Eren's battle with Annie, and no one knows why. Overcome by Titans, Mikasa takes him and Armin to an abandoned village, where Eren acts on his feelings for him and causes a lot of mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love in such dark times

**Author's Note:**

> fukk this is rly confusing if u have any questions ask me  
> and also the scene of eren jerking it is awful i wrote it really hurriedly normally i would try to make it smuttier

The bells ring on a Sunday, and at first Eren thinks it's some church thing, perhaps a ritual to thank the walls? For it's been so long since they've rung, the warning bells are foreign to his ears.

It's not until he hears civilians shrieking that he realizes something's off, something's wrong. Eren looks wildly around his empty room. After the battle with Annie, he's been put in custody- sort of, as technically he's in trouble, but Erwin's convinced the Military Police to simply put him under a weak form of house arrest. No one else is in the building with him, so Eren breaks the locked door- it's a pretty shitty lock, and he's certain that's the reason why it was put there; for appearances, not quality.

He grabs his 3DMG and races down the stairs and out the door, adrenaline coursing through his veins. A stampede of civilians run down the block. Their screams are unintelligible, but Eren's been around long enough to understand what this means.

Titans.

Eren spots Connie in the air, so he straps on his 3DMG, his hands shaking with excitement. He scales a nearby building and surveys the city. Then he spots it- a group of five meters, coming in through a gap in the wall.

"Impossible," he murmurs. "How-"

"Get moving, Jaeger!" shouts Jean, who's moving past him to an unknown destination- no, Jean's moving toward signal smoke, near the center of the city. In confusion, Eren simply follows.

The city's still in semi-ruin from his battle, which makes it even trickier to navigate, in unfamiliar terrain that's falling to pieces anyhow. He's going over the ruined church when he sees the exact state of the wall.

A Wall Titan's fallen out, and it's covered in the decimated part of the wall, shielding it from sunlight. Eren thanks whatever sadistic deity there might be that the Titan won't be able to fight, but then curses the sadistic deity when he realizes how big the opening is and how many other Titans can now get through. Right now they're relatively small and unintelligent, but larger ones may be coming.

In the center, Hanji's shrieking at a blank and silent Pastor Nick. Levi is barking orders at a group of senior officers, and Erwin's continuing to shoot the smoke gun into the air, hoping to signal wayward soldiers.

A group of soldiers are already gathered, and Eren catches sight of a couple of Military Police officers. He looks through the crowd for Armin or Mikasa. Neither of them are in sight, but he sees Christa, trying to calm down a panicking girl.

"Armin... Mikasa?" he asks her hopefully. She shakes her head. He sighs, partly in annoyance and partly in fear.

"Captain Levi, do we have a plan?" shouts a soldier. Everyone quiets down and stares at Levi; Eren almost pities the man.

"Where's the Arlert kid?" asks someone. "Bet he'd have a plan?" Eren silently agrees.

Erwin fires the signal again.

Hanji stands up taller on their feet. "It appears that the current wave of Titans are not interested in killing humans!"

"Aberrants?" Eren asks. The crowd murmurs.

"They seem to be focused on getting underground!" Hanji says. "A team of our best soldiers are fighting them off. We believe the Titans want to capture Annie Leonhardt!"

"So what do we do?"

"If I may, sir..." Jean raises his hand and Hanji nods to let him speak. "I propose we position ourselves near the gap in the wall and kill the Titans coming in! With such a large group of soldiers, we can beat them, I know it!"

With no better idea to offer, half of them are sent near the opening in the wall. Eren is one of them. The world is silent; no Titans appear.

Suddenly a ten meter class with bulging eyes comes barging in, accompanied by a new sea of Titans. With a cry, they fight. Eren launches himself onto one with a terrible grin. It reminds him of the Titan that devoured his mother so many years ago.

They are a cloud of blood and blades, and Eren can scarcely see. He stabs the Titan's eyes so they are similarly blinded. Someone plunges their blade into its neck, and it collapses. He looks at his savior. It's Mikasa.

"Where's Armin?" he shouts.

"We were fighting off the Titans that were trying to get to Annie, but she's disappeared, so we've come to help. And Armin's with Hanji, don't worry!"

Eren is confused, but it's not the time to ask questions. Now him and Mikasa are a team. They advance to the next Titan, who is nearing a frightened civilian.

"Why haven't you evacuated yet?" he yells as they take down the flailing Titan.

"I can't find my son!" she sobs. "I made him angry- he ran off and now he's gone!"

"He's probably been evacuated already," Mikasa says calmly, standing atop the dead Titan's head. "All the other citizens are in the underground passage. You do know where that is, correct?"

"I-"

"I'll escort you," Eren says. He picks her up- she's light, almost as skinny as Armin. He scales a nearby building that has yet been turned to rubble and jumps to the entrance to the underground. She clutches his chest but doesn't say a word. He's impressed- this must be absolutely terrifying for her.

A group of Titans are blocking his path. They're small, so he can take them easily, but he can't risk the woman's life so he simply jumps over them. Soon they're outside the entryway, but it's been caved in. Luckily there's a small hole, too small for Eren- but perhaps she'll fit through. She thanks him and runs up to the hole. He flies onto the building with ease once again. A small blonde is standing on the roof next to him.

"Armin!" he yells. His best friend whips his head around. "I thought you were with Hanji!"

Armin opens his mouth to speak, but then Eren regrets ever speaking. "ARMIN!" he shouts again. A Titan is behind him- seemingly out of nowhere.

He flies to Armin, who is frozen with shock. Eren hops onto the Titan's broad shoulders, but gets shaken off. He scales the Titan again, ready to stab its neck. With a thrust, Eren's fallen off.

Armin is in the Titan's hand.

Rage overtakes him, and Eren raises his fist to his mouth. "NO!" cries Armin, but he ignores him.

"Eren- please-" Eren's broken his skin. He looks up into Armin's fearful eyes for a split second before he transforms.

With a growl, Eren kicks the Titan. He sees red, and continues to kick it brutally. With a savage bite to its neck, the Titan is dead. Eren picks up Armin, who is screaming something, but blood is rushing through his ears and he can't hear a thing.

Eren runs through the city, brutally destroying every Titan on his path. Because all he can feel is rage- dangerous, furious rage. And it's a terrible thing, a true monster.

Whilst punching a ten-meter, Armin is snatched out of his hand. Eren howls. It's all due to his anger that Armin's in the hands of a cruel Titan. He's being raised to the Titan's mouth-

Eren bites through the Titan and crawls on top of it, but it's too late. The Titan's killed, but Armin's blacked out. He picks up the bloody boy, unconscious because of his failures. Half of Armin's left arm is bitten off. His Titan form is shaking and he registers tears falling down his face.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Mikasa. She uses her 3DMG to crawl up his back, but he's too upset to care. He feels a stab to his neck.

Betrayal...

He sees black.

___

It's dusky nighttime, and Eren's half-asleep. He's on a galloping horse, he can feel it, his face in its mane. But no- it can't be a horse mane, it's soft and clean-smelling and smooth as silk.

He opens his eyes. His face is in Armin's hair, who's slumped over. They're on Jean's horse, the one he's so proud of. In front of them is Mikasa on her horse, her blade clutched tightly in her hands.

Eren takes Armin in his arms carefully. He's still asleep- not dead, Eren tells himself, putting his head to Armin's chest. A faint heartbeat perseveres.

Armin is limp, small, frail-looking. His forehead is glistening with sweat, his skin pallid and ghostly. Eren touches his arm, covered in gauze.

It will never recover.

Eren's cheeks are wet. It's all his fault and he's a terrible person. He presses a kiss to Armin's forehead, leaving his tears on his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers to a deaf Armin.

Mikasa turns around, her gaze softening when she sees Eren's tears. "It's all your fault," she reminds him.

"I know," he sniffs.

"The capital's gone," she says. "Levi told me to leave you both there. He and the rest are somewhere in Wall Rose."

"Why didn't you come with them?"

"I couldn't leave you two alone."

"You should've left us! You could be with the others... where are we?"

"We're staying in an abandoned village. Levi gave me directions. It should be safe, that's what he told me." Mikasa's horse begins to slow down. She sighs. "He's tired. Death is close for him."

"Take my horse," Eren offers. "I can walk!"

"No, you really can't. You're still weak from your transformation. We should be in the village soon anyway." So they ride in silence, the horses growing slower and slower.

At last they reach the village. It is silent, dreary, almost haunted in the moon's dim light. Mikasa stops her horse in front of a sturdy and well-built building. A well is conveniently located beside it. Eren picks up Armin and carries him inside, finding a bedroom. There is no blanket nor a pillow, but there is a mattress, so he sets him lightly upon it, draping his jacket over his slender shoulders.

Mikasa comes inside, clutching a bucket filled with well water. Eren finds a cracked cup on the floor and scoops up some of the water, smoothing it over Armin's sweaty face. He curls up next to Armin and watches Mikasa put the water in a bowl. She walks over to the fireplace and puts wood on top. 

"Are we just going to stay here?" he asks.

"Levi promised he'd find us soon," Mikasa says, her back turned.

"So... do the humans really have no territory left?"

"Citizens are underground, where we took them, so we still have that, unless something has occurred without my knowledge."

"There really is no sure place left in the world for us," says Eren, but he can't find another tear to shed.

"Don't think like that," Mikasa says sternly. In front of her, she's started a fire. "I'm going to boil the water so it is safe for consumption. Sasha gave me some potatoes, so we can eat them for breakfast tomorrow if necessary."

"What if Titans come and attack?" asks Eren fearfully.

"They're not going to come at night, and anyway, they seem to avoid this area."

"Why?"

"Now's not the time to question things," Mikasa says. "Just go to sleep, Eren, we'll talk in the morning."

"Where will you sleep tonight?"

"Beside you. Now shut up, you're being a distraction."

Eren closes his eyes. "Do you think Armin will be okay?"

Mikasa doesn't answer.

___

The room is soaked in sunlight now, and Eren gets a better bearing on his surroundings. It's filled with dilapidated wooden furniture. It almost resembles his Shiganshina home- almost but not quite.

Mikasa is kneeling in front of a window. "My horse is dead," she tells him.

"Oh. Um, I'm sorry," he says.

She turns around. "He was just a horse. Now we have plenty of food."

"Do you mean- we're gonna eat a horse? That's- that's just taboo!"

"The world is cruel," she says simply, which is her mantra, and it drives him nuts.

Eren turns to watch Armin, who is curled up against his chest. He looks so fragile, especially with the limp stump he has for a left arm. Eren knows Armin hates it when people think those things about him, but he really can't help it. He picks up his arm again. Gently, he kisses Armin's elbow- or what's left of it.

Mikasa tooks at him, and her expression is tender.

"What?" he asks self-consciously.

"You're lucky Armin's so obtuse when it comes to love," she says.

"I'm not in love with him!"

"Eren, you know I'd never judge you for your feelings," Mikasa says. "They can't be helped."

Eren strokes Armin's soft hair. "It's wrong," he bursts out. "Falling in love? I should be fighting, not mooning after my best friend!"

"Love perseveres, even during war," says Mikasa.

"And what's more, it's unnatural! We're both guys- that's just..."

"You're not the only boy who's ever loved another man. There is nothing wrong about what you feel for Armin. In such a cruel world, love is the only beautiful thing we are given. Why should it matter, the gender of the person you love?" With that, Mikasa leaves the room. Eren looks out the window facing outside. She takes out her sword and lops off a shank from her dead horse. 

"Eren?" Armin says weakly. Eren runs over. Armin is awake, blinking his eyes blearily. "Where are we?"

"We're in a village outside Sina," he says, putting his fingers to Armin's forehead. He feels fine, just a bit cold. Eren takes the boiled water, pours it in a cup, and presses it to Armin's dry lips.

Armin sips a bit. "Where's Mikasa?"

"Outside," he replies vaguely.

"Where's everyone else?" 

"They'll find us."

"Why aren't we in Sina?"

"Sina... is gone."

"No!" Armin sits up, his eyes wide.

"Calm down," says Eren hastily. "You'll get sick again!"

"You're lying," Armin says flatly.

"I would never lie to you," Eren says. "Never!"

Armin's eyes well up with tears, so Eren pulls him close. "I'm sorry, Eren, I know you wouldn't lie... but this is...." He touches his left arm. "It's gone, isn't it? My left forearm."

"Armin, I'm so sorry," Eren says.

He forces a laugh. "No, it's- at least I'm right-handed."

"Armin..."

"Don't look at me like that. It makes me feel even worse." Armin pushes Eren away and hugs himself shakily.

"Can I do anything for you? Please?"

"Just give me some space."

Eren looks at him, but he turns away. After a few minutes, he exits the building and out to Mikasa.

"Armin's up," he says to her back.

She turns around.

"He's upset," adds Eren.

"Can't blame him," Mikasa says. She's started another fire and is cooking the horsemeat she's sliced off. It smells delicious, and Eren feels terrible for thinking so.

"I don't want him to be mad at me!"

"He's probably not angry with you. Eren, he's just lost what little we could call home- and his left forearm at that. Armin needs to be alone for now. It's how he copes with things."

Eren sits beside her. The scent of meat wafts underneath his nose, and his empty stomach growls. Mikasa looks at him. "Horsemeat isn't so bad. It's tender, sweet. Like the beef we had at the Maria festival as children."

Eren remembers the festival; it was a Wallist affair meant to celebrate Maria's graces, but to him, Mikasa, and Armin, it was just a fun party, a rarity in their sad world. There was music, and dancing; Eren's mother sang a few folk songs, and he remembers being awed by her sweet voice. They had laughed so much, playing and jumping and actually enjoying themselves, for once. At the end they ate delicious beefsteak, uncommon with the endless shortages. Eren loved the smoky taste, but- and he can see it clearly now- he'd given half the meat to Armin.

Because he had loved him.

He watches morosely as Mikasa neatly stacks the horsemeat on a slab of wood, carrying it inside. Eren watches the fire, faded by daylight, and pokes it with a stick.

"Don't do that."

Eren turns around. Armin is watching him from the doorframe, his lips turned down. He mumbles an apology, throwing the stick down.

"Eren, can you put out the fire?" calls Mikasa. Eren throws water onto the blazing flames, watching as they disappear.

"Come inside," says Armin, leaning against the door. "What if a Titan comes by?" So Eren gets up, kicking a rock, and gently nudges past Armin.

"What sort of meat is this?" Armin asks, coming up behind Mikasa inside. "It smells divine."

"I took it before we left Sina," she says, not quite answering the question.

"I haven't had meat for the longest time," says Eren. "Not since Sasha-"

They all picture Sasha's impish grin and her hands clutching a sack of stolen food, offering it in misguided kindness.

Mikasa hands them each a slice of meat. Eren takes a bite, and Mikasa's right- it tastes sweet and reminds him of meadows, and instead of being repulsed by the fact that his breakfast is- was- Mikasa's trusty steed, he takes another large bite.

Beside him, Armin chews thoughtfully; he has some trouble holding the food with just the one hand, and Eren keeps reaching out to help. Mikasa pulls him back every time, though. Armin's a good person, but he hates being treated as incompetent.

After a few minutes of silence, Armin looks up. "So, what did happen after I blacked out?"

Mikasa sighs. "Eren was supposed to escort a woman to the underground entrance- you did do that, right?" Eren nods vigorously. "Sometime around that, Eren transformed into a Titan, around the time you fainted. Captain Levi ordered me to remove Eren from his Titan form. He emerged unconscious, so I took you both to the others.

"By then, the place was swarmed with Titans. It was all we could do simply to survive. The Military Police retreated, so it was just us, then it got really bad. They told me to leave you two behind and come with them- but I couldn't do that. So Levi told me to wait here with you two. He said he'd find us."

"Do you know where the rest of our squad went?"

"Connie suggested his village, around the southern part of Rose. They had nowhere else to go, so I think that's where they're staying."

"Do you think they'll try to take back Sina?" 

Eren speaks now. "I think- as long as the Survey Corps are still around, they won't give up on saving humanity."

They're silent again, lost in the fog of their thoughts.

___

Armin's pulling a Levi, which would almost be funny under different circumstances, the sweet shota acting the intimidating captain. He's insisting they clean up the entire house 'in order to make in suitable for human habitation'. "We'll be here indefinitely," Armin had said, "might as well make the best of it."

Unlike Levi, however, the only cleaning supplies they have are the well water and a shitty blouse Eren found in a closet. There's also a bar of soap Mikasa is trying to liquify, but it's currently just a pile of soap shavings in hot water.

Eren's scrubbing the bedroom floor with the blouse's ripped sleeve. Its cream-colored fabric is turning greyer and grimier by the second, but the floor is looking more like a wood floor rather than its former state of dust and cobwebs.

"Eren, can you help me?"

He looks up from his position on the floor. Armin holds a piece of wood in his hands, too large and thick to be called a stick, and strips of a shirt. Eren tries not to stare at his bared stomach as he says, "Why did you cut your shirt? You're gonna be cold."

Armin gives him a huffy look. "I'm not going to get cold, it's not exactly an iceberg here." Eren remembers Armin reading him a book about icebergs as children. They were so happy back then. "Anyway, I needed the cloth. Mikasa's using the rest of the blouse and I couldn't find anything else. I'm going to make a mop, and I need you to tie this fabric around the wood.

"A mop's a good idea," says Eren. "But you could've used my shirt. I know how cold you can get." Armin sighs and hands the supplies to him.

They sit on the bed, Armin staring at the floor, Eren tying strips around the pole. At last Eren breaks the silence. "Is it hard, without your left hand?"

"Yes, but I can manage. Do you recall when you had your leg bitten off?"

"That grew back, though," Eren says. "Have you, um, looked at it?"

"No," says Armin. "And I don't plan to. It's just a stump, I've seen plenty like it."

"Remember when we were kids, and you would cry at the sight of blood?"

Armin makes a face. "I've changed so much."

"I think... we've been forced to change." He winds another piece of fabric around. "Do you think we'd be the same if it weren't for the Titans?"

"Some changes happen because of age, others happen because of things that happen to you. I really don't think we were ever innocent and happy children, though, especially not you or Mikasa."

"Maybe in a different life, we would have been." In a different life, would Eren still be in love with Armin?

Mikasa comes in, holding a bucket. She looks pleased with herself- she's not smiling, she hasn't done that for a long time, but her chin is raised and her eyes are softer. "I managed to get the soap and the water to combine," she says.

"We've got a mop," says Eren, holding it up.

"Oh, can I mop?" Armin asks, standing up. He takes the mop from Eren and dips it in Mikasa's bucket. Armin sloshes it around the floor one-handedly.

"It smells so clean," Eren says unthinkingly. "Like Armin's hair." Mikasa gives him a look and Armin looks at him. "You think my hair smells good?"

Eren blushes and looks down. "Yeah," he admits. Armin stares at him for a few beats, a wistful expression in his eyes.

Mikasa coughs. "I'm going to scavenge through the rest of the village, see if I can find anything."

"I'll come with you," Eren says.

"No, stay with Armin."

"Who said I wasn't coming?" asks Armin.

Mikasa looks pointedly at his left arm. "You should stay here."

"My left forearm is gone, not my brain! I can still do things!"

"No, Mikasa's right," Eren says. "I'll stay here and keep cleaning up. You need to get used to your arm.

Armin huffs, but he agrees. So Mikasa straps up in Eren's 3DMG for speed and leaves, promising to be back soon.

Eren does the mopping in the dining room (he thinks that's what it is, since there's a large dining table in the center) whilst Armin sits on said table. He thinks he hears Armin humming a familiar tune, so he strains his ears to listen.

Now, concentrating fully, he can hear Armin's voice sing- fluttery and clear, too pretty for a boy's, but Eren loves it. It's his favorite nursery rhyme from their childhood. He doesn't say anything, pretending not to notice so as not to embarrass Armin.

Eren moves to the bathroom, regretting it when he realizes he can't hear Armin anymore. The toilet is some dirt thing where you throw soil on top of where you did your business. Armin's followed him to the bathroom. "They would take the dirt when it was filled up and use it as compost," Armin says, looking at the toilet.

"They used human waste as compost?"

"It worked," says Armin. "It's better than in Ancient Rome. They'd dump their chamber pots out the window to get rid of everything." Eren isn't sure what Ancient Rome is, but it sounds gross. He makes a face.

"Will we have to use the dirt thing too?"

"What else is there to use? We can have our own personal ones if it makes you feel any better."

"No, it's fine," says Eren. It's not so gross, if he's sharing with his sister and best friend. "The bathroom is pretty clean, actually. I don't think we have to do any mopping. Where's the bath?"

"They bathed outside, probably," says Armin. "We can do that too. We'll use the liquified soap- wash it off with well water. I saw some stables, so we can bathe in there." They walk into the hallway and Eren puts the mop aside, leaning against the wall.

"Actually, let's use a room in here," he replies. Mikasa's keeping the dead horses in there, and he doesn't want Armin to see.

Armin shrugs. "We can use the second bathroom. I guess we'll wash ourselves the same way. Do you know if Mikasa brought any changes of clothes?"

"Probably not. Maybe she'll find a shirt or something out there."

The blonde shivers, tugging on his cut-up shirt. "I'm glad we have a mop now, but you were right. I'm cold."

"Let's switch shirts," Eren suggests. "I don't freeze as easily."

"Thank you, but wouldn't it be too small for you?"

"I don't mind," says Eren, already stripping off his green shirt. Armin's looking at his stomach, so Eren pats it self-consciously. "Is there something wrong?"

"No," Armin says hastily. He turns around modestly and takes off his shirt as well. They trade; Eren decides he likes his shirts on Armin.

The green shirt is big, but not gigantic on Armin. His blue eyes look more prominent, his sleeves a bit too long. Eren leans over and ties the left sleeve around his elbow. "The oversized style is cute on you," he says, before realizing what he's just said. "Oh God- I meant-" They're both tomato red.

Eren's pants are high-waisted (Jean's called him nerdy for wearing them on multiple occasions), so his stomach's mostly obscured, excepting a thin strip of tanned skin. He doesn't look so bad. He and Armin look at each other for a while, and he finds himself leaning forward.

To his surprise, Armin does so too. Their faces are mere centimeters apart. He's got no idea what's happening, but he loves it. Armin's eyes are larger than life, his cheeks flushed, his tongue running over this pink lips, so Eren takes a plunge and presses their lips together.

Armin closes his blue eyes, so Eren follows suit. His lips are cool, not icy but breezy, almost, and they're so soft under his. Eren pulls him closer, and he's kissing his best friend in an abandoned house's hallway, and it's so improbable but so wonderful and his heart feels heavy with all the emotions he's feeling. They plop down, and Armin ends up on his lap, his weight a comforting feeling on his legs. Slowly, Eren eases his tongue into Armin's mouth, making sure not to be too forward so as not to scare him off. Armin opens his mouth willingly, letting out a breathy sigh.

Eren runs his tongue over Armin's teeth, relishing the slick feeling. He feels Armin's tongue against his, and in excitement he pushes him down. Armin's on the floor (freshly mopped, thank God), and Eren's on top. It's such a blatantly sexual position and he's more aroused than he's ever been before. Armin's tongue is sweet, sweeter than any candy he's had. Eren lets out an embarrassingly needy moan.

He opens his eyes to a beautiful sight. Armin's come all undone on the floor, his right hand clenching his shirt, his cheeks bright red, breathing harder than he'd been while running laps during training.

Suddenly Armin turns his head and tries to push him off with his right hand. Eren clambers off confusedly, still hard and needy. But fuck, he's done it now.

"We can't do this here," Armin says shakily. "Not now- not-"

"I understand," Eren grunts. He hates himself. Their friendship's ruined, and all because he couldn't keep his awful desire to himself. "I'm sorry."

"Eren, I..."

"I'll go clean up the spare bedroom," he mumbles, standing up, not meeting Armin's eyes. He picks up the mop and walks to the second bedroom, closing the door.

He's been best friends with Armin since birth, and their friendship is a true treasure, one of the only wonderful tings Eren has. He thinks of what Mikasa told him- 'in such a cruel world, love is the only beautiful thing we are given'. Well, now it's broken because of his stupid fucking sex drive, because he thought with his dick rather than his heart.

Mikasa appears in his head. "You did think with your heart, Eren, not your dick. Your dick just got in the way."

"Fuck off, imaginary Mikasa," Eren says, slumping down against the closed door and laying the mop beside him. He stares down at the floor, and an image of Armin comes into his mind, pressed against the floor, flushed and beautiful. He grows hard again and hates himself even more for it. "This is why Armin hates you now," Eren whispers to himself. "You're just a typical teenage boy. Only thinking about sex." Despite himself, he slips his fingers beneath his underwear.

Mikasa's in his brain again. "Have you ever considered the fact that Armin is a teenage boy as well?"

"I thought I told you to fuck off. I'm about to jerk off," he mutters, banishing all thoughts of his sister from his mind. He slips down as his head meets the floor and pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles.

Eren strokes his cock softly, tenderly, like Armin would if he liked him back. He imagines Armin's touch and moans quietly.

His hands are shaking as they move up and down, harder now. Eren squeezes and whispers Armin's name. He's not leanred how to resist yet, so a few well-done strokes do it. He comes onto his bare stomach, managing to muffle his cry of Armin's name. Eren pulls on his clothes again, rubbing his come with a rag that someone probably scrubbed with.

Opening the door, he hears a strangled sob.

___

They avoid each other until Mikasa comes back carrying loads of helpful things. Eren changes into a black shirt; Armin's has a come stain that he's been trying to cover. She's found crackers with special yeast, which they put aside for dinner. There are pillows, blankets, even chairs to sit on. So many things Mikasa's scavenged- and Eren can't even muster up an ounce of genuine enthusiasm.

She keeps looking at him curiously as they crunch the crackers for dinner. Armin's reading to her from a book with colorful illustrations, his sweet voice weaving stories from fanciful words, occasionally taking a bite from his cracker. Eren misses him even more, even when he's right next to him. Mikasa's obviously brimming with questions, but she keeps quiet, only glancing between them.

When Armin gets up to rest in the bedroom (now equipped with dusty pillows and blankets), she moves close to him. "Well?"

He looks at the floor. "I kissed him."

Mikasa must be surprised, but she doesn't show it. "Did he freak out?"

"He... he kissed me back. But then he pushed me away, and I... oh, God, he must have felt it!"

"Felt what?"

"My-" he gestures to his crotch. "So he got scared, and-"

"Didn't you say he kissed you back? Why would he be scared?"

"He must have just kissed me back, as a stand-in for Christa or something. And then he realized- I actually wanted him-"

"A stand-in? For Christa?" She sounds incredulous.

"He obviously likes her! He called her cute!"

"You can find people attractive without being attracted to them."

"Well, I know that..." Eren trails off.

"What did Armin do after he pushed you away?"

"He told me 'we can't do this here' or something. I can't really remember, I was so upset."

"Where did this happen?"

"The hallway outside the bathroom."

"After he felt your... arousal, I'm sure Armin thought you wanted to go further. He must have meant he didn't want to have sex in the hallway, not that he hates you."

"Well, even if that's true, why is he avoiding me?"

"Why are you avoiding him?"

"Because it's awkward?"

"There you have it. He's ignoring you because it's too awkward." Mikasa stands up, closing Armin's book. "This could be remedied easily simply by eliminating the awkwardness."

"How the fuck do I do that?"

"You tell me." She pushes her chair in and begins to make her way out, but then turns around. "I'm going to see Armin."

"Don't tell him anything!"

"Of course not. I won't be your go-between."

"Um... good!"

Mikasa walks into the bedroom, so Eren opens Armin's book to the beginning. A fantastical watercolor of a red dragon takes up the entire first page; the page beside the painting describes it, fearsome and terrible.

The next few pages how the dragon outside a beautiful crystal castle, dancing and flying angrily around it. Then an illustration of a prince follows. The prince is golden-haired and serious-looking, reminding him of Armin.

The pages after that are all words, so Eren takes his time reading them. Apparently the ferocious dragon is set upon destroying the castle and devouring the prince. For years a moat has protected the castle from the dragon, but the dragon's sprouted wings and is ready to burn the place down.

The book introduces a knight, a tanned brunet who's best friends with the prince. The knight is not strong, but he is brave, and he won't rest until the dragon is slayed. Eren smiles a little. He can empathize.

Now the knight is battling the dragon, but Eren skips those pages, which hit a little too close to home. The dragon is slain, the castle is safe, and the knight and the prince are smiling at each other.

The next few pages are ripped out.

He puts down the book, frustrated, and looks up into Armin's blue eyes. Startled, Eren falls out of his chair.

"Do you want to know why the last pages are ripped out?" Armin asks, leaning forward. "It's because they kiss. The knight and the prince kiss. There was a lot of controversy over it, which is just about the most absurd thing ever. They're in love- why is it a problem? There are bigger problems than boys who like to kiss boys. Eren... I'm sorry I pushed you away. I was scared. I'm still scared. I never thought you'd like me back..." He takes a deep breath. "The truth is, I love you, and- and fuck everything and everyone who says I can't. Because Mikasa told me that there's nothing as wonderful as love in such dark times, and she's right, so-"

Eren cuts him off. "Armin, I love you too, and I'm not good with words like you or Mikasa, so I hope this will be a sufficient response."

They kiss. It won't be their last.

fin.


End file.
